Relationships

Always rejected - the paradox of repeating patterns

I bring a strong voice, a clear stance. I assert myself. I so much want to be accepted, embraced and appreciated. But instead, the other turns away. Always rejected.

As I say 'this is me', I exclude the other, and in doing so, I set myself apart recreating my known rejection.


Anxiety

The anxiety of living fully

Fullness happens in small, lived moments flowing between defined form and apparent shapelessness. Beginnings and endings; breathing in and exhalation; attachment and detachment.


It is in this moment that the shadow of the missing piece, the empty space wanting to be filled can be intuited.  This is the moment to reach out to the other, embrace them and say 'this is me; and that is you'.

Look for the shadow, the gap in the whole.Bring out the missed experience, the missing piece. Reach out. And finally complete the circle of your desired experience.




Allow yourself to experience both these manifestations of fullness.

When does shame arise?
Am I doing too much? ... Am I not doing enough? Which parts of reality are allowed?
Which ones are not?



Shame and Depression

On loss and shame

If I could take one thing away from the moment of loss is the narrative that says "this happened because I am not good enough".

Imagine seeing events in their own fullness. Not as an act of punishment on one's imperfect self, but rather as an event that has taken place the same way that the sun sets every evening. Because its time to leave has arrived, and so that night can emerge. 

This act of going into the feeling that "this happened because I'm not good enough" is at the core of feelings of depression.







Couples and Intimacy

The dance of intimacy

The dance of intimacy is filled with random moments of closeness and distance, embrace and loss. Contact's constant inhalation and exhalation flow.

Family dynamics

Collective Trauma

Collective trauma, collective healing - paramount concept to understand the blocks to recovery. When a traumatic event affects one family member, it affects the entire family. For as long as the figural family member is singled out as 'the injured one' the entire family remains unable to process and integrate the traumatic experience and move into health and growth.

Family dynamics

Trauma flashbacks

Flashbacks, the embodied memory of the horrible experience. From time to time memories surface; a spoken word, a sound, finding my body in a position that feels vulnerable and the flashback arrives. I am transported to the time when I was taken advantage of; when I was used for someone's pleasure with complete disregard for my innocence, my dignity, safety, wishes.

Why now? After so many years, why are these memories assaulting my present moment now?

Perhaps it is because now I can allow my story to be known. Because the shame of these events does not overwhelm me anymore. I accept myself more, including my terrible experience. I can talk about it and about the person I have become both in response to it, and in addition to it.  

The family learned about it, but responded with silence, I felt as thought they were pretending nothing had happened. No-one reached out to me. I imagined they found it shameful to hear about it, they thought it was best not to talk about the terrible events and instead shamed me into being silent;

Panic attacks and fear momentarily flood my existence. I get a second chance at responding to the trauma.

Do not despair when your partner moves into the distance of the exhalation, for the closeness of inhalation is only a step away.




And now that I have the internal resources to again accept myself, the terrible experience comes to the surface. My inner self asking to be held, to be acknowledged.

Panic attacks and fear momentarily flood my existence.

Their response revealed the deficits in our family system, our lack of resources to positively respond to the terrible events.

I interpreted their silence as their request for me to 'move on', to be 'ok'. In their hearts they genuinely and simply wanted me to be ok.

Their response revealed the deficits in our family system, our lack of resources to positively respond to the terrible events.

And now that I have the internal resources to again accept myself, the terrible experience comes to the surface. My inner self asking to be held, to be acknowledged.

Panic attacks and fear momentarily flood my existence. I get a second chance at responding to the trauma. And now, to my delight, I scream, I shout, I reach out for help. And people turn towards me, and help me.

 

 

Scroll down to read these snippets
Relationships

Always rejected - the paradox of  repeating patterns

Anxiety

The anxiety of living fully

Shame and Depression

On loss and shame

Couples and Intimacy

The dance of intimacy

Family dynamics

Collective trauma

Trauma flashbacks